Monday 30th Jan, 2023
Where it's at
I found myself grappling with a question that sometimes arises when I write newsletters. Do I keep it light and uplifting or is it ok to travel into the depths of the "hard" stuff so to speak? I always hope to offer something of value and there are endless roads we can travel down. I was speaking about it to a friend, who suggested - why don't you write about that?
Of course! It was right under my nose.
Where you're at, is where it's at!
I'm sure you would have come across that grappling within yourself at some point. A prime example would be when you're asked the question - "How are you?" Chances are you'll habitually say "good thanks", but if you dig just a little bit deeper, there's usually a whole lot rumbling underneath the "good" veneer.
Some people fear that sharing the "hard stuff" may burden others or bring them down. Others fear that by talking about their problems they are being negative or somehow creating more negativity as a result. Fear of judgement or vulnerability can also be a major barrier to sharing your truth.
On the flip side, perhaps you're feeling on top of the world, but are afraid to share that joy with someone who's going through a rough patch. It could also be a kind of tall poppy fear - that by expressing the truth of going well, you will be cut down in your joy or incite the jealousy of others.
These two cases share a similarity, in that there's a part of you that feels it's not ok to be where you're at around others. Particularly if they are not sharing the same emotional state as you. Naturally the context of the situation, the type of relationship you have and level of trust between you and that person will play a part in discerning what's appropriate to share and what's not.
Of course! It was right under my nose.
Where you're at, is where it's at!
I'm sure you would have come across that grappling within yourself at some point. A prime example would be when you're asked the question - "How are you?" Chances are you'll habitually say "good thanks", but if you dig just a little bit deeper, there's usually a whole lot rumbling underneath the "good" veneer.
Some people fear that sharing the "hard stuff" may burden others or bring them down. Others fear that by talking about their problems they are being negative or somehow creating more negativity as a result. Fear of judgement or vulnerability can also be a major barrier to sharing your truth.
On the flip side, perhaps you're feeling on top of the world, but are afraid to share that joy with someone who's going through a rough patch. It could also be a kind of tall poppy fear - that by expressing the truth of going well, you will be cut down in your joy or incite the jealousy of others.
These two cases share a similarity, in that there's a part of you that feels it's not ok to be where you're at around others. Particularly if they are not sharing the same emotional state as you. Naturally the context of the situation, the type of relationship you have and level of trust between you and that person will play a part in discerning what's appropriate to share and what's not.
Permission to be as you are
Having people in your life that accept you as you are and allow you to be as you are, are precious. They are generally the ones that have earned your trust over time. It's good to remember that even your most trusted friends will have their good and bad days. Does this person have the capacity to listen to what I want to say right now? might be a good question to ask yourself before launching into anything close to your heart. It can be pretty soul-destroying talking about something really important to you when the other is clearly not listening.
In the absence of that trusted someone, you can also practice giving that permission to be as you are, to yourself. If that sounds strange, why not try it now in this moment. Close you eyes, breathe and say to yourself " I give you full permission to be as you are and feel what you're feeling without having to change a thing." Give yourself a minute or two to really tune in.
What happened? Did something inside relax?
It is also possible that by stopping and tuning into yourself, you got in touch with an anxious (sad/angry/.....) part of you, that you weren't even aware of before. If this is the case, you can further this mini-exercise by giving that anxious (sad/angry/.....) part of you permission to feel how it feels and be exactly as it is. Try it! Does it help that part of you relax?
I find there's something very calming and empowering about giving yourself permission to be as you are. When you know that you don't have to change anything at all, particularly the way you are feeling, it's as though a space opens up inside. You might also get to see that you were projecting all kinds of things onto the outside world. For example, thinking that somehow others expect you to be like this or like that or that you can only be lovable and acceptable if you are like this or like that...
In the end, only we can release ourselves from such expectations.
Getting in touch with where you're at in the moment can help strengthen the connection to your authentic self. If you can make it a habit, this attunement to your deeper self may result in being able to relate to others from a more authentic place quite naturally. Relating authentically can also include the choice to not share anything you don't want to. We all need boundaries to function well in the world.
In the absence of that trusted someone, you can also practice giving that permission to be as you are, to yourself. If that sounds strange, why not try it now in this moment. Close you eyes, breathe and say to yourself " I give you full permission to be as you are and feel what you're feeling without having to change a thing." Give yourself a minute or two to really tune in.
What happened? Did something inside relax?
It is also possible that by stopping and tuning into yourself, you got in touch with an anxious (sad/angry/.....) part of you, that you weren't even aware of before. If this is the case, you can further this mini-exercise by giving that anxious (sad/angry/.....) part of you permission to feel how it feels and be exactly as it is. Try it! Does it help that part of you relax?
I find there's something very calming and empowering about giving yourself permission to be as you are. When you know that you don't have to change anything at all, particularly the way you are feeling, it's as though a space opens up inside. You might also get to see that you were projecting all kinds of things onto the outside world. For example, thinking that somehow others expect you to be like this or like that or that you can only be lovable and acceptable if you are like this or like that...
In the end, only we can release ourselves from such expectations.
Getting in touch with where you're at in the moment can help strengthen the connection to your authentic self. If you can make it a habit, this attunement to your deeper self may result in being able to relate to others from a more authentic place quite naturally. Relating authentically can also include the choice to not share anything you don't want to. We all need boundaries to function well in the world.
A problem shared is a problem halved
To come full circle, that old favourite saying "A problem shared is a problem halved" rang very true for me this week. You are reading the result of airing my newsletter dilemma with a friend!
And if you are feeling alone with your troubles, may this be encouragement to reach out and talk to someone. Solutions may well be right in front of your nose...
I am here for support if you need.
And if you are feeling alone with your troubles, may this be encouragement to reach out and talk to someone. Solutions may well be right in front of your nose...
I am here for support if you need.