Wednesday 16th March, 2023
Silver Linings
In recent months, I noticed a few people having similar experiences where minor disappointments in life were triggering an over proportionate response. What seemed to be happening was that it was bringing back the trauma of Covid lockdowns and the disappointments suffered throughout that time.
It inspired me to look at disappointment more closely and watch my own reactions and responses to disappointment over time. Here I offer some varied angles to view it from, as well as some practical tips for moving through it.
Shining a light on Disappointment
It is difficult to generalise when talking about disappointment, as it comes in various colours and sizes. Disappointments can be small, as encountered each day when things don't go the way you'd like them to, or they can be the dream-shattering, heart-breaking, illusion-busting kind.
Looking at the definition of "appointment" in the dictionary, we can see that it is related to a future expectation. 1. an arrangement to meet someone at a particular time and place.2. an act of assigning a job or position to someone
Dis - appointment cuts us off from what we have been expecting or hoping for in the future. Sometimes disappointments come from assumptions that things will stay the same. They can also come from buying into popular myths; that life will be, or look, a certain way.
For those of you who are visual, I imagine an invisible fishing line that the mind has cast out into the future. The mind happily drifts on the sea of expectation or assumption until the line is cut and suddenly, you're dumped onto the shore of being, holding a fishing rod with empty line waving in the breeze...
Covid certainly gave us practice in the art of expecting the unexpected; having to cancel or be cancelled with little notice. Whilst we are still going through different phases of Covid in our respective global communities, there is still a level of unpredictability present. It has definitely raised our awareness as to the fragility and uncertainty inherent in life.
Unfortunately for some, the extreme sense of vulnerability remains and even little unexpected changes can feel as though the rug has been pulled from underfoot. Feeling safe is such an important foundation for health as well as the capacity to enjoy life. I highly recommend receiving support if you are having trouble recovering from your Covid experiences.
Navigating disappointment
1. Acknowledge
There is a certain peace that comes from acknowledging that you feel disappointed, without having to change or fix it. This for me is the first step in moving through disappointment.
2. Self-nurturing
The best way I've found to nurture myself if I feel disappointed, is to simply breathe with the sensations arising in my body. Again, without the view to fix or change any of these sensations - simply notice them.
Disappointment generally has a heavy quality to it. You may feel a sinking sensation in the heart area or feel the need to cry. Staying with the sensations in the body means the energy of the sadness, anger, fear etc has an opportunity to move through the body rather than get stuck there.
There is a certain peace that comes from acknowledging that you feel disappointed, without having to change or fix it. This for me is the first step in moving through disappointment.
2. Self-nurturing
The best way I've found to nurture myself if I feel disappointed, is to simply breathe with the sensations arising in my body. Again, without the view to fix or change any of these sensations - simply notice them.
Disappointment generally has a heavy quality to it. You may feel a sinking sensation in the heart area or feel the need to cry. Staying with the sensations in the body means the energy of the sadness, anger, fear etc has an opportunity to move through the body rather than get stuck there.
Do you feel safe to feel?
Like all emotions, If we pretend they don't exist or push them down, the energy of the emotion lodges in the body and lies dormant until triggered by a future situation. This is what I was expressing earlier when I talked about minor events producing over proportionate responses.
The emotional response to the current event taps into the storehouse of emotions held in the body, making it feel bigger than it "should" be. In fact, it is bigger!
3. Access support if needed
Kinesiology is a powerful tool for helping you connect the dots to past events and release the energies that get stuck in your body. I'm here to offer support if you need. Another important aspect is to investigate the beliefs you may have created about yourself (or life) when past disappointments happened. Kinesiology is one of the best tools I know for accessing subconscious beliefs that are no longer useful to you and in fact, keep you feeling stuck.
Silver Linings Discovered
In retrospect, some of the biggest disappointments in my life held valuable life lessons. Commitment to healing, clear-seeing, investigating and releasing old beliefs, changing directions, trying new things, accessing inner resources such as courage and being able to create boundaries, are all things that come to mind. Even times when things felt utterly hopeless, somehow the phoenix always rose from the ashes and the choices that followed were definitely more in tune with my deeper self.
There is a Sufi saying, "When the ego feels diminished, the spirit is saying yes!"
The other characteristic of the major disappointments were that there was an element of having opened myself up. A risk had been taken emotionally. I've learnt through time, to make sure I acknowledge and celebrate the courage for choosing to do that - no matter what the result. We can never control outcomes, but we can control how we choose to treat ourselves.
"It is better to know and be disappointed, than to not know and always wonder.” - Oscar Wilde
There is something lovely about future planning and creating a "light at the end of the tunnel" - such as the joyful anticipation of a holiday hovering on the calendar. Future thinking is only problematic if we live our life with a fishing line in the future and never really enjoy the here and now. As we often hear - the journey not the destination is what it's all about.
Personally, I feel so much more friendlier towards disappointment after this exploration. I know for a fact that the present moment is where life's ultimate fulfilment will always be. I continue to develop that which I can control - compassion towards myself through the ever changing emotional landscapes, as vulnerable as it feels at times.
Spending time in nature has also helped me develop a certain trust in life and a strong sense of interbeing. It becomes apparent that life is operating with an intelligence that supports all life to thrive - including me. And as I lean more and more into living from the heart, I also trust that no matter what life delivers,
Love will find a way. For long-time travellers on the spiritual path, disappointment can be considered an ally. We can faithfully rely on disappointment to reveal a hidden belief or expectation and deliver us back to the here and now. And for the spiritual seeker, I give the final word on disappointment to the late Buddhist teacher Chogyam Trungpa, with his famous quote,
"Enlightenment is ego's ultimate disappointment"
There is a Sufi saying, "When the ego feels diminished, the spirit is saying yes!"
The other characteristic of the major disappointments were that there was an element of having opened myself up. A risk had been taken emotionally. I've learnt through time, to make sure I acknowledge and celebrate the courage for choosing to do that - no matter what the result. We can never control outcomes, but we can control how we choose to treat ourselves.
"It is better to know and be disappointed, than to not know and always wonder.” - Oscar Wilde
There is something lovely about future planning and creating a "light at the end of the tunnel" - such as the joyful anticipation of a holiday hovering on the calendar. Future thinking is only problematic if we live our life with a fishing line in the future and never really enjoy the here and now. As we often hear - the journey not the destination is what it's all about.
Personally, I feel so much more friendlier towards disappointment after this exploration. I know for a fact that the present moment is where life's ultimate fulfilment will always be. I continue to develop that which I can control - compassion towards myself through the ever changing emotional landscapes, as vulnerable as it feels at times.
Spending time in nature has also helped me develop a certain trust in life and a strong sense of interbeing. It becomes apparent that life is operating with an intelligence that supports all life to thrive - including me. And as I lean more and more into living from the heart, I also trust that no matter what life delivers,
Love will find a way. For long-time travellers on the spiritual path, disappointment can be considered an ally. We can faithfully rely on disappointment to reveal a hidden belief or expectation and deliver us back to the here and now. And for the spiritual seeker, I give the final word on disappointment to the late Buddhist teacher Chogyam Trungpa, with his famous quote,
"Enlightenment is ego's ultimate disappointment"