Why do we Ruminate?
I've been thinking about rumination lately, partly because I was recently stuck in a particularly persistent loop myself.
You know the kind. The same thoughts going around and around, as though thinking about something one more time, from one more angle, might finally lead you to the answer that will allow everything to settle.
Sometimes the thinking is useful. Reflective thinking can lead to insight, understanding and integration. But rumination is different. It tends to take us around in frustrating - and often anxious - circles that don't seem to resolve.
And I've been wondering whether, rather than asking ourselves "Why can't I stop thinking about this?", there might be another question worth asking.
What is this thinking trying to do for me?
When we are unable to digest an experience, we can sometimes find ourselves ruminating. It's as if, by replaying events over and over again, we might finally make sense of them.
Emotional experiences can be unfinished in many different ways
We haven't understood what happenedWe haven't accepted what happenedWe haven't yet felt safe enough to feel what we feltWe haven't expressed somethingWe haven't grieved somethingWe haven't integrated the experience into the sense of who we are
You know the kind. The same thoughts going around and around, as though thinking about something one more time, from one more angle, might finally lead you to the answer that will allow everything to settle.
Sometimes the thinking is useful. Reflective thinking can lead to insight, understanding and integration. But rumination is different. It tends to take us around in frustrating - and often anxious - circles that don't seem to resolve.
And I've been wondering whether, rather than asking ourselves "Why can't I stop thinking about this?", there might be another question worth asking.
What is this thinking trying to do for me?
When we are unable to digest an experience, we can sometimes find ourselves ruminating. It's as if, by replaying events over and over again, we might finally make sense of them.
Emotional experiences can be unfinished in many different ways
We haven't understood what happenedWe haven't accepted what happenedWe haven't yet felt safe enough to feel what we feltWe haven't expressed somethingWe haven't grieved somethingWe haven't integrated the experience into the sense of who we are
Breaking through Rumination
I was thoroughly frustrated by this recent loop of ruminating when I suddenly got curious and thought, There's a very good reason why I'm doing this. I wonder what part of me is so attached to revisiting these thoughts?
This was an important shift in my questioning, as there was no self-blame in it - only compassion. Instead of asking "Why can't I stop doing this? I became curious as to which part of me is so attached to going over the same thoughts.
So if there's anything I'd hope you take away from reading this, it's:
This was an important shift in my questioning, as there was no self-blame in it - only compassion. Instead of asking "Why can't I stop doing this? I became curious as to which part of me is so attached to going over the same thoughts.
So if there's anything I'd hope you take away from reading this, it's:
Stop blaming yourself.
There are reasons why we get stuck in rumination, and they're not always obvious.
What I Discovered
Using parts work, I tuned into the part of me that was really attached to these thoughts. I discovered that it belonged to a younger part of me who was longing for a time of the past. This younger me had no idea how old I was now.
Once I was able to update her about my current age and help her understand that things had changed, something began to make sense. She was longing for something that was no longer possible.
I could help her understand that, whilst returning was not possible, moving forward was. Sometimes were need to acknowledge that something has changed, rather than revisiting it in the hope that it might somehow become different. There can be tenderness in accepting what has passed, whilst still allowing ourselves to move forward.
Thankfully, that deep acceptance seemed to be the key, and the rumination around this particular thing stopped.
To be fair - I've done a lot of parts work over the last few years, so tuning in comes relatively easily to me now. I'm also aware that tuning in takes time, space and a certain amount of inner capacity.
Often ruminating comes from an anxious place, and our survival response might be so strong that it simply won't allow us to stop and settle long enough to make such an enquiry.
This feels important to acknowledge.
And then there's the other factor: life can be incredibly busy. We move from one thing to the next with very little space to notice what is happening inside us.
Once I was able to update her about my current age and help her understand that things had changed, something began to make sense. She was longing for something that was no longer possible.
I could help her understand that, whilst returning was not possible, moving forward was. Sometimes were need to acknowledge that something has changed, rather than revisiting it in the hope that it might somehow become different. There can be tenderness in accepting what has passed, whilst still allowing ourselves to move forward.
Thankfully, that deep acceptance seemed to be the key, and the rumination around this particular thing stopped.
To be fair - I've done a lot of parts work over the last few years, so tuning in comes relatively easily to me now. I'm also aware that tuning in takes time, space and a certain amount of inner capacity.
Often ruminating comes from an anxious place, and our survival response might be so strong that it simply won't allow us to stop and settle long enough to make such an enquiry.
This feels important to acknowledge.
And then there's the other factor: life can be incredibly busy. We move from one thing to the next with very little space to notice what is happening inside us.
Curiosity definitely needs a little space.
And having said that, sometimes creating the space is the very thing we need to learn.
So if you resonate with any of this, perhaps it's enough to begin by acknowledging you're going over the same thoughts again and again. And perhaps the new ingredient you can bring to this unresolved loop is compassion.
So if you resonate with any of this, perhaps it's enough to begin by acknowledging you're going over the same thoughts again and again. And perhaps the new ingredient you can bring to this unresolved loop is compassion.
Something inside me is working very hard to work something out.
I can love and accept myself for wanting to do that.
Perhaps sending compassion to whatever part of you is stuck is the beginning of change.
Beyond Words
What I've learnt through decades of helping myself and others on the healing path is that some things can't be solved intellectually. Sometimes the mind keeps trying to understand something that perhaps the body, heart or creative self needs to simply feel, express, make, move, sing or sound.
Sometimes what has remained undigested is looking for another way to move through us.
It can also be the beginning of a beautiful work of art :) Stay tuned for part 2: Beyond Words - and how sound, movement and creative expression can sometimes take us where thinking alone cannot.
Sometimes what has remained undigested is looking for another way to move through us.
It can also be the beginning of a beautiful work of art :) Stay tuned for part 2: Beyond Words - and how sound, movement and creative expression can sometimes take us where thinking alone cannot.
Questions for Self-Enquiry
If you find yourself ruminating - what do you usually do?
Do you feel angry or frustrated at yourself for not being able to change the thinking pattern? Do you distract or numb yourself by doing something else - food, your device or something else? Do you reach out to talk to someone?
Some helpful questions might be:
Am I actually processing this, or am I just revisiting it?I wonder what part of me is still holding on to this?Is this part hoping to gain something from replaying these thoughts?
Send compassion to yourself for taking time to be with these questions - regardless of whether they bring answers or not :)
Send compassion to yourself for taking time to be with these questions - regardless of whether they bring answers or not :)